You can imagine the scene, a large family gathering, and your uncle, who claims his runny nose, cough, and watery eyes are “just allergies” takes your newborn out of your mother’s arms and gives him a big fat kiss on the cheek. You know your baby’s cheeks are so incredibly kissable, but the anxiety of what lingers behind on your baby’s cheek starts to eat away at you. What if your uncle has more than allergies? What if it is RSV? What if your newborn has to be hospitalized?
Throughout our years of supporting families, we’ve encountered numerous concerns and anxieties surrounding boundaries with baby, (newborns) particularly when it comes to expressing affection and kissing.
As doulas, we understand that navigating boundaries with a new baby can sometimes feel overwhelming. Every family has its own unique set of values, beliefs, and concerns, and it’s essential to honor and respect those differences. The past few years have brought heightened awareness of the importance of maintaining boundaries, especially when it comes to protecting the health of vulnerable newborns.
While illness-related boundaries may be at the forefront of your mind as a parent of a fresh newborn, it’s crucial to recognize that families may have a wide range of boundaries that deserve consideration and acknowledgment beyond the first few weeks. From sleeping preferences to feeding choices, (and eventually things like discipline down the line) setting clear boundaries helps create a supportive and respectful environment for both you as a parent, your children, and your loved ones.
Expressing these boundaries can be tough, especially when it involves loved ones who might not fully grasp your concerns, or who may take those concerns personally. But, when it comes to your baby’s well-being, it *may* be non-negotiable (only you and your family get to decide!) Setting these boundaries isn’t about shutting your mom, your mother-in-law, or your best friend out; it’s about keeping your baby safe in the way that feels best for you. A boundary is a way of saying, ‘I love you, and I also want what’s best for our family, and here is how to support us in that.”
Brene Brown has a quote that we love at RCD “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Avoiding a discussion about your preferences and boundaries with your family because that conversation may be hard is unkind. It can lead to resentment and anger, and eventually fractured relationships. Ignoring your preferences and becoming resentful is unkind. By having these open conversations and setting clear expectations, you’re not just protecting your baby; you’re also protecting the relationships you have with your support system. Clear is kind.
It may be helpful to work through and clarify your family’s boundaries together with your partner. You may consider creating a list of those topics and how you might approach your friends and family about each one. One way you may consider wording a boundary you wish to have, such as not allowing non-immediate family members to kiss your baby, is a statement such as this:
“As much as we appreciate your love and affection, we kindly ask that you refrain from kissing the baby for now. Babies have delicate immune systems, and we want to minimize the risk of exposure to germs as much as possible. We hope you understand that this decision is made with our baby’s health in mind. Thank you for respecting our wishes and for your understanding.”
Setting clear boundaries requires courage, strength, and a deep commitment to prioritizing the well-being of your family. (As an aside, how loved ones respond to those boundaries says nothing about you as an individual or family, but instead reflects them.)
Our RCD postpartum and infant care doulas are dedicated to supporting you every step of the way. We understand that each family’s journey is unique, and we’re here to honor and uphold your boundaries with compassion and respect. Whether it’s providing guidance on setting boundaries, offering emotional support, or simply lending a listening ear, our team is committed to ensuring that your experience is as positive and empowering as possible. Your comfort and well-being are our top priorities, and we’re here to advocate for you and your family every step of the way.