There have been several recent videos circulating the inter webs/social media spheres regarding who deserves to be in the birth room. Is it your mom? What about your mother-in-law? Both? What if there are visitor restrictions? Who should be present when you give birth? Who “deserves” it? Who belongs in your birth room?
The short answer to these questions- no one deserves to be there. If you are giving birth, it is completely, and entirely up to you to decide who is present when you have your baby. Ultimately, you need to feel safe and have a supportive team to create the optimal environment for labor and birth. (One of our doulas on our teams jokes/says for every additional person present, you can expect an additional hour of labor. Who is in the space does impact your labor!)
Maybe you are still trying to decide if you’d like to invite a particular person in (or several people). How do you make that choice? How do you know if they’ll be a positive person on your support team? As yourself these questions:
- Is this person someone you feel comfortable getting naked in front of? Labor, especially if you are planning an unmedicated birth, can come with a certain degree of disrobement. Many people get very warm/hot and may need to take off their gowns to manage those temperature changes. Hydrotherapy is often a great tool to use during labor as well, and getting in the shower often necessities, at minimum, a change of clothing. Even if you’re planning to utilize pain medication, cervical checks, stirrups, etc can reveal a certain amount of yourself that you may or may not be comfortable showing your guest. (But, yes, you could always ask your guest to leave during those times as well!)
- Do you feel like you have to censor yourself with this person? The sensations and emotions of labor can sometimes be overwhelming. You want to have a space where you feel free to express those in a way that is true and authentic to you. You do not want to have to worry about hurting a guest’s feelings. If they can’t take it when you’re hurting or deep in your emotions, they aren’t fit for the birth room.
- Can I relax around this person? Along the same lines as question 2- except maybe a touch more. Can you fully relax when this person is present? Will you be able to release everything else/tension if they are in your birth space? Will you worry about this person’s wellbeing?
- Would this person’s presence make my birth a better experience? Building on the previous two questions, even if you answered “yes” to them, will this person’s presence in the labor room make it a better experience for you?
- Do I want this person present, or do I feel like I should want them there? Sometimes expectations are so heavy and big that we start to think they’re actually what we want. But, the gut feeling of “ick” in your stomach is your body’s way of saying “nope”. (To semi-quote Christina Aguilera, your body is in fact not saying “let’s go”. Your heart is definitely saying “no”.)
- Does this person have a history of supporting my goals and plans? What are your past experiences like with this person? Have they been supportive of you over the years? Will they support your goals for your labor and birth even if they don’t agree? (It is so important it is for everyone in the room to respect your choices, whether about pain relief, movement, or birthing positions!)
So, you’ve answered all of these questions and you’ve decided to officially not invite, or maybe un-invite, someone to your labor and birth. How do you break it to them? Before the birth, have a conversation with them. Explain that you’d like to keep it to just the professionals and your partner/support person. If they’re already in the room, have your partner pull your nurse aside and explain the situation. They are excellent “birth room bouncers” and will help you create that calm, supportive environment you need.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention here, that a doula, specifically a Rocket City Doulas doula, can also help you navigate decisions like these. (BUT, I’d also suggest using some of these questions when deciding on who to hire as your doula, too!) Your doula doesn’t have to take the place of your guest/visitor, but you may want to have your doula help you walk through these 6 questions about who belongs in your birth room.
Ultimately, this is YOUR birth. Your experience. And YOUR preferences matters. The people in your birth space should respect that. Who belongs in your birth room? By carefully choosing who to include, you set the tone for a positive and fulfilling birth experience—one where you can truly focus on bringing your baby into the world with confidence and peace.
Need help planning your ideal birth experience? Rocket City Doulas is here to support you!