What We Wish We Knew Before Having a Baby (or Becoming Parents)
From the Rocket City Doulas team
There’s so much about parenthood that catches you by surprise. Newborn poops. Postpartum bowel movements. Toddler tantrums over bananas. Teenagers who both need you and relentlessly mock you for being born in the “1900s.”
And just as suddenly, a surprise that sneaks up on you. You blink, maybe slowly, and they’re some how grown.
This week, my college kids came home for the summer. Unfortunately, one of them is home for just a few days because they are staying at school over the summer (insert crying face here. Wah.) Between the family room full of dorm items, overflowing laundry baskets, and familiar chaos, I found myself thinking about how many versions of our children we have said goodbye to over the years.
No one tells you how bittersweet it is to watch them grow up. Or how the same child who once wore a bee costume to preschool every day might later be studying for their college freshman final at your kitchen table. I wish I’d known that the very moments I found overwhelming would one day feel tender and sweet to look back on.
I don’t want to go back completely, (I am not that far removed, yet) but sometimes I’d love just one more day with their chubby cheeks and tiny voices.
As doulas, and as parents, we’ve walked through the newborn fog, the toddler chaos, the elementary school years, teen years and beyond. If we could sit across from you and share just a few things we’ve learned the hard way, here’s what we might say:
You’re Not Supposed to Know Everything
No book, class, or blog post can prepare you for your baby. Every child is different, and so are you. The best thing you can do is stay flexible, and ask for help when you need it. (This advice is for every stage of parenting, newborns, toddlers, teens, so write it on a napkin and tuck it away somewhere you’ll forget about it and find it at exactly the right time.)
“That you’re going to get a lot of advice and have a ton of worries but to just follow your gut and do what feels right.” -A
Rest Is a Need
“I wish someone had said that babies are constantly changing their own schedules for the whole first year. When you think you got it down, it changes”
My kids didn’t sleep as babies. Not a single one of them. Okay, they did a little. But sleeping through the night? Forget about it. My fourth didn’t sleep through the night until she was almost two. (No, like for real for real.)
When you’re in it, it feels like it will never end. You start to believe this is just your life now. You’ll never sleep again.
But they do sleep eventually. You will sleep eventually. And when that day comes, you’ll look back and wonder how you ever functioned on so little rest and be amazed that somehow, you did.
“Sometimes babies don’t sleep when they’re learning something new. They want to practice it over and over.”
If I could go back and tell myself one thing in those blurry, exhausted years, it would be this: you’re not weak for needing rest. You’re human. Ask for help. Let someone else take the dog for a walk, bring dinner, or fold the laundry.
(This is exactly why postpartum doulas exist at RCD, to be the “someone else” when it feels like there’s no one. Whether it’s holding the baby while you nap, or just reminding you that you’re doing enough, that kind of support can be restorative.)
Feeding Doesn’t Define Your Worth.
Whether you breastfeed, pump, combo-feed, or formula feed, your love isn’t measured in ounces. We wish we’d known how much pressure we’d feel and how freeing it is to finally just do what works best for your family.
“I wish someone had said that formula is a tool that can save your breastfeeding journey.” -H
With our first baby, we had feeding difficulties right from the start. It is so easy to get your entire identity wrapped up in your baby’s weight gain, or how many ounces you’re producing, or not producing. I remember feeling like my body was failing at motherhood.
Looking back, I wish I’d known that my identity as a mother was not dependent on how I fed my baby. You are not your milk supply. You’re a parent doing your best.
“I wish I knew more about breastfeeding before I went on that journey… I didn’t know it until it was too late, but I’m allergic to most nipple creams on the market. I ended up using organic coconut oil and homemade nipple pads made out of cotton.” -D
Your Relationship Might Shift. That’s Normal.
Having a baby changes your identity, your body, your rhythms, and your relationships. It’s okay if it takes time to find your footing as a couple again. One of our biggest fights as new parents happened at 3 am. I couldn’t tell you what it was about now, just that we were tired and overwhelmed. We wish we’d had more grace for ourselves and each other.
Now that my husband and I are looking towards the back end of raising littles (our youngest is in 7th grade) our relationship will likely shift again. And that’s also normal.
” Every part of your life changes when you bring a baby into your life. It’s hard to really understand it until it happens, but even dating your spouse changes. Your relationship with your friends can change, and some for the better.”
You Won’t Remember Everything, But You’ll Remember Enough
We don’t have to take a picture on a blanket every month (but you can if you want to!) You won’t ruin them by skipping baby sign language, or, as I admit, by forgetting to write in the baby book.
(For the record: my babies one and two had detailed baby books. Baby number three’s was sparsely written in. Baby number four does not have a baby book at all… but she does have her own IG hashtag.)
We wish we’d worried less about doing it right or perfect and focused more on simply being present.
It’s Okay to Grieve While You’re Grateful
Joy and grief can exist at the same time. We can have two emotions at the same time!
You might cry when they outgrow your favorite onesie or start kindergarten (I know I did!) That doesn’t mean you’re not thankful. We wish we’d known that parenting would crack our hearts open over and over again, with joy and sadness, and that it’s okay to feel all of it. (One of my favorite lyrics that embodies this is “what a blessing, what a shame to have just one life to your name.” from the song Cemetery Somewhere.)
“All phases are temporary. So whether it’s hard or amazing, thank it for what it is and know that it won’t always be like that.” -S
Practical Tips We Really Wish Someone Had Just Told Us
We asked our doulas to share some tips with you that they wish they knew!
“Have the hemorrhoid cream and stool softeners ready! 🤣
But really… that it’s simultaneously the most difficult and most beautiful, rewarding thing you’ll ever do.” -E
“In my first, I wish I knew that I’d need to pack maternity clothes for the hospital. Here I am thinking I’m gonna be in regular yoga pants and didn’t really realize I would still have like a 6-month pregnant belly in those first couple days.” -S
“The first #2 is like delivering another baby if you don’t have stool softeners. They never even offered them to me in the hospital.” -D
“I wish I had known the top most important factors in having the birth you want:
- Choose a supportive provider
- Choose a supportive hospital
- Hire a doula.” -H
“That I had a choice and voice in every decision and I didn’t have to blindly follow what the medical staff, specifically my OB, wanted.”
“I wish I had understood that birth trauma doesn’t need to involve a life-threatening situation to be valid.”
It Only Gets Better
This one’s from me, now that some of my babies are grown.
“Yes, there were hard stages, and sometimes those felt so long, but watching them become who they are as people is just the absolute best thing ever. They’re my favorite people in the world. That has made every second worth it.” -T
Another practical tip- start saving for college immediately. Trust me.
You’re Not Alone
As doulas, we walk with parents through some of their most vulnerable days. And if there’s one thing we hope all new parents know, it’s this:
You don’t have to do this alone.
Whether you’re overwhelmed or overjoyed (or both), we’re here. To listen, to hold space, to remind you that you’re doing better than you think.
And if you’re already a few steps ahead on this parenting journey, like I am, we hope this post brought back a few memories worth holding close.
More Things Parents Wish They Knew
I asked our local Madison Momprenuer group what they wished someone had told them before having a baby or becoming a parent. Here’s what they said:
What We Wish We Knew Before Having a Baby
“Maybe not the best answer, but I wish I knew that there is no amount of paid childcare available to make up for not having involved extended family members in town.” -L
“In regards to giving birth – that our bodies are capable of giving birth without an epidural. Instead of the conversation being about getting the epidural as quickly as possible.
Becoming a mom – feeling like your entire world has changed while your partner’s life feels (to you) unchanged. The struggle of who takes off work when baby is sick/childcare falls through and you both have demanding jobs.” -S
“I wish I would have known how out-of-body it was. Not in a euphoric way. How devastatingly isolating it may feel in those long nights… The pressure of breastfeeding is astronomical. The guilt of not feeling like you’re doing enough and feeling as though you have nowhere to place the blame but on yourself.
I wish I had been told that ‘beautiful’ was the lesser description; ‘battle’ would have been better. ” -Y
“I wish I had known that other moms were struggling, too.
I felt like I was failing because I couldn’t do all the things I thought I’d do as a young mom. When I was finally brave enough to confide in another mom, I heard the words: ‘Me too.’
I wish I’d known that we are not alone in our struggles as mothers.” -S
“We hear a lot about postpartum depression, but even as an L&D nurse, I don’t think I heard about postpartum anxiety until I had 3 of my own children.
I wish someone had advised me to bring more than one pair of my own PJs to the hospital, and maybe some Depends… I wasn’t prepared to wake up soaked or how much even the giant hospital pads would leak.” -M
“How you have to walk a fine line between laughing when your kids are funny, but not being able to show it because you have to parent and guide them with “wisdom”. But, you really want to laugh.” -T
“it can take time to bond with your newborn and that doesn’t mean something is wrong. It’s not automatic.” -S.
“How hard the teenage years would be. From a moral perspective, trying to instill values and faith while fighting against the world…
But also just how hard it is not to compare your child to others who seem to excel in everything.” -C
“How expensive kids are. How hard parenting is. How difficult it is to balance your health and theirs at the same time.
Time management. Dialogue. And how—somehow—things are both easier and harder now with so much information everywhere.” -S
” Kids are expensive now a days .. we created an insurance plan for kids that can be used as their own bank when they grow up. Times are changing but basic bills and money needs will be the same so plan to secure their essentials needs.” -M
“How much joy it brings you when all of your fledgling chicks are home in the nest, no matter how briefly.”
