One time, back in high school, I cut myself on a spring that came out of my parents’ couch. It cut the fleshy part of the back of my upper arm. It hurt, and it bled a bit, but nothing that needed stitches. That cut was easily taken care of with a few band-aids. It healed in a week or so. I STILL have a MASSIVE scar from that. It’s still puffy, pink, and it’s still tender.
I don’t have pretty scars. I scar badly. They are always puffy, huge, and just generally icky looking. My stretch marks, (which are scars) are the perfect example. Deep, puffy, and colorful. A scar on my knee from surgery in 2014 still looks fairly fresh.
Scars are interesting things.
Scars tell stories of our wounds.
Scars remind us of mistakes or hurts.
They almost always stay with us our entire lives.
My c/s scar is another example. A few of my friends have mentioned that their c/s scars have faded away. My c/s was over 15 years ago (almost 16). The edges have faded, but the center is still puffy, pink, and slightly painful if pressed/kicked/hit.
When I first had my c/s, it was very painful. The incision hurt for a long time. Eventually, it stopped hurting so bad all of the time. It only hurt when I was on my stomach or did sit-ups. Then, it stopped hurting unless I poked my incision site. Now, it’s only painful if it has direct contact with something sharp or hard.
It seems like my grief from losing all of our babies is similar. At first, it hurt all of the time. It hurt badly all. of. the. time. Then, after a little while, I would go a few days without it crippling me. Then, a few weeks. Now, it seems it only creeps in when I come in direct contact with something hard.
I used to think that getting pregnant post-miscarriage and having a live baby would relieve my grief. But, unfortunately, it didn’t. It helped fade my scars, and it keeps me from thinking about them all of the time. My children are getting older and older, but, those puffy, pink, deep scars will be with me the rest of my life.
Honestly, they’re ok with me now, the scars. I wouldn’t wish any of my hurt on someone, but my scars tell my story. It’s ok to be sad when I think of our babies or I think about the trauma from my first birth. I don’t have to fix it or stop the feelings. I can just be with them now, knowing that they won’t cripple me.
