I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I want to say it again. You can feel however you feel about your pregnancy. If you’re excited, that’s amazing! I’m so excited with you! If you’re not excited, that’s ok, too. It doesn’t mean you’ll love your baby any less when it arrives. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It just means that you are a person.
I understand the feeling of desperately wanting a positive pregnancy test because I’ve been there. We had 6 miscarriages, 5 of them in a row, with infertility. Every month was a struggle between despair and hope.
But, I can also identify with the feelings of overwhelming terror at a positive pregnancy test, because I’ve been there, too. Our older two kids are very close together and our oldest was not an easy baby or toddler. We were overwhelmed and felt like we were failing miserably already. Our first thoughts about the positive pregnancy test were not joy. (Both of our first thoughts were “oh crap.” I was so surprised that I just told my husband to go into the bathroom and look on top of the toilet. That’s how I told my husband I was pregnant. No cute announcement or card. “Hun, go look on the toilet.”)
If your feelings align more with the “oh crap” story, it’s ok to take time to feel that. Grieve whatever your plans were if this wasn’t in the plan. Grieve what you thought your family spacing would be, or how you imagined how old your other children would be when you had their sibling. It’s ok to feel sad, or mad, or terrified. Just because you aren’t ok now, doesn’t mean you won’t be ok later.
