You are a good parent.
February is such an odd time of year for me and for our memories. Our first baby was born in early March, after weeks and months of contracting, early labor, and bed rest. As we approach her birthday, I often remember what was filtering through my brain so many years ago. Constant contractions, backache, with a few kidney stones thrown in. I was so tired of being that specific brand of pregnant, the thought of birth seemed like a relief.
For what was seemingly almost my entire life prior to having my own kids, I was immersed in taking care of babies. I started babysitting my own brother as a preteen and taking care of my neighbor’s children at 12. I babysat my way through high school to pay for my first car, full-time in the summer months, and then went on to work in a daycare and eventually nannied in college. I knew how to feed a baby, bottle and food, I knew how to get them to nap, how to soothe them, and even how to potty train. I knew babies.
In retrospect, I was so over the constraints of pregnancy, I probably wasn’t as nervous as I should have been to actuallybring our first baby home. Because, with that sweet baby, I should have been afraid of little ole me/bebe. Okay, so notactually afraid of HER, but the fact that I knew very little of what I thought I new. The things I knew were helpful, absolutely! But, most of what I knew and had experienced was as a caregiver, not a parent.
As a parent, it felt like *everything* was a reflection of me. Everyone wanted to know if she was a “good baby”, which meant to me that they wanted to know if I was a “good mom.” If my baby slept poorly, I was a bad mom for not introducing a schedule soon enough. If she cried, I felt as if I was terrible at soothing her. Was I a bad mom for not co-sleeping? If my baby struggled to eat, it was somehow a personal failing on my part. If my baby didn’t gain weight (which she didn’t) somehow that was a reflection of my character. Why was I so good at taking care of others’ babies, but I was so bad at taking care of my own?
What I wish I would’ve known then, (well, lots of things, actually. So.Many.Things.) was it was all temporary, and therefore, none of it was a moral issue at all. Not a single bit of it was tied to my value as a mom, value as a wife, or value as a woman being, even though it felt like it. I was a good mom because I worried that if I was doing the right thing. I was a good mom because I researched sleep and sleep science to try to follow the best practices, even if my baby didn’t sleep. I was a good mom when I carted my baby to endless doctor appointments to figure out why she wasn’t growing. (For 7 years. She was eventually diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency.)
Even though I felt alone back then, I have since learned that I was not. So many new parents feel this sense of inadequacy and worry about their parenting skills. When they have a baby that doesn’t follow the “rules” they automatically think that it is them that is failing. When, in reality, some babies don’t sleep. Some babies cry more than others. Some babies don’t grow (and yes, they may need a diagnosis, but it isn’t the fault of a parent.)
It seems cut and dry, the advice given to new parents. If “it” doesn’t work, something must be wrong with you and your methods. So much of early parenting, though, is learning through trial and error. (With each baby, too!) But, no one really tells you that. You figure out what works, and you let the things that don’t work go. (And, spoiler alert, as a parent to two fresh baby adults, this same principle is true the ENTIRE time you parent.)
If I could go back, I would tell myself that the fact that it was hard didn’t mean I was doing it wrong. If you find yourself in the “hard”, we’re here to tell you you aren’t doing it “wrong”. You are a good parent. Your baby is a “good” baby. And hard doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means you’re doing it.
This is one of the reasons I love what we do at Rocket City Doulas. We don’t just help with the hands-on parts of postpartum and newborn care. We help parents let go of the guilt and pressure. We remind them that their worth isn’t measured in hours slept (unless your RCD doula is there to help you get some rest!). If you’re feeling lost in the hard moments, let your RCD doula team walk with you!
